I've beginning to feel that 2011 will be another 2010.
A rushed, loveless, exhausting, solitary, forlorn, directionless life with frenzied outbursts of emotion here and there.
I'm not complaining. It just bothers me to see other people still surviving in their little ways.
I've tried living someone else's life - in fact I've tried to fit myself into this framework of living for the sake of others. I'm like an entertainer - entertaining and seeing to people's needs, whims & fancies.
There are but a few things that I looked forward to in 2011:
1) Not being involved with teaching - I have plans to take a break from it and start to focus on my studies and personal development. It has been very difficult to have too many things on your mind and too many people to care for.
My new class TN1101B has been a darling to me but sooner or later I will have to let them go. My graduating class AD091M will be my keepsake. A few of them will be going to polytechnics, Nafa or LaSalle while the others remain clueless and continue living their lives. I felt very pitiful to my students who have tried very hard. They will remain in my prayers.
2) My studies at ntu and Birkh - I guess that I've never get to appreciate a proper university study if I continue doing other unrelated things. The irony is that I needed the money to pay for the course fees but working unfortunately affects my concentration to get good grades and most importantly becoming more knowledgeable.
3) Relationship - The evening train journeys from my workplace to ntu & pergas and the journey back home have been very, very lonely. Honestly, it would have been nice if I have a 'girlfriend' or something along that lines, someone to talk to on a weekly basis, cuddle with and share my rantings. But this doesn't come easy or something that you can get off the shelf.
There was one time when I took a cab, I had this conversation with the taxi driver about life, working and studying. The taxi driver advised me to get married because he believed that 80% of my problems will be solved if I get married. My elder sister will be getting married in June insylh. Logically speaking, my turn would come after that hopefully. So I do look forward to my sisters getting married and settling down.
I don't know why I'm writing this - I just needed that outlet I guess.
But this can be pathetic sometimes.
When all you need is actually a Khadijah* or Aishah* to be with you.
sighing doesn't seem to help much~
- remykm
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* Khadijah and Aishah are names of the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w's wives. Any resemblance between the characters in this post and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle..
hi i'm remy mahzam.
welcome to my digital space.
immerse yourself into my virtual realm and discover an interesting side
of me. Do drop me a message or email to remykm[at]gmail.com
interests
as with most personal
blogs, this one is perpetually a work in progress.
this blog is a
documentation of my feelings & spasmodic thoughts.
with the help of the good people from nypms and nurikhwan, i'm part of
an online arts project called the MVAC,
an online website for aspiring graphic digital and traditional
designers to showcase their visual artworks.
family & friends
i'm fortunate to be
living with my family; my Mother, Father and two sisters.
I spend some time with my relatives especially in special occasions.
the friends i mixed with share similar interests as me. i'm also
passionate in rendering community service though i've to spend more
time now thinking about my future and constantly upgrading myself.
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